The Journey of the Heroic Parent by Brad M. Reedy PhD

Author:Brad M. Reedy, PhD
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Regan Arts.

OUTCOME-BASED PARENTING

We teach our students in wilderness therapy the principle of “letting go of the outcome,” meaning stop trying to manage the result. Sure, outcomes are important, but you don’t need to be attached to them emotionally or spiritually. For parents, it doesn’t mean that you don’t adjust your approach based on your child’s response. If I’m trying to communicate with or have an impact on someone, I will observe his or her response, but I will not be tied to that response.

Letting go of the outcome is a foundational principle of distinguishing between controlling and influencing people. So often with our children, the struggle to develop a sense of self and identity leads to resistance to any form of parental direction. Their internal dialogue tells them, “If I do what my parents want, I will lose my independence and sense of self.” Even when our intentions are unspoken, what we don’t say often leaks out through what we do say—and our children pick up on it. You can’t cheat or hide your agenda as well as you think. Instead, state your intentions transparently and own them as yours.

An ultimate “letting go” moment occurred for me when I was working with a student on suicide watch. He said, “Yes, I’m suicidal, and right now I’m on suicide watch, but I’m going to wait to do it. It’s going to be a nice day in one week or three weeks, and then you’re going trust me. I’m going to be in a good mood, and you’re going to think I’m doing better, and then I’m going to get off suicide watch. That’s when I’m going to kill myself.”

The more covert your agenda, the more likely the child will find it threatening.

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